Before we had ever met in person, my husband and I would talk on the phone for hours at a time. Learning about each other, dissecting our pasts, and discussing what we were looking for in a relationship. It was like a crash course into each other’s lives.

From the very beginning, we both acknowledged the importance of honesty and communication. This was the foundation we chose to build upon.

We moved forward quickly in our relationship- getting engaged a month after meeting and getting married just a few months later. Now, as we are still very much in the early stages of meshing our lives together, there is naturally some friction between the way we are accustomed to doing things.

But having the ability and space to communicate our wants and needs takes the pressure off feeling like we have to read each other’s minds. It allows us to come to a place of understanding- and often, compromise!

I pride myself on being able to communicate well. But more often than I’d like to admit, I realize I’m not as effective as I think.

Not because I’m unclear in what I say- but because what’s being heard isn’t always what I actually mean.

As my husband and I find a new rhythm together, I’ve mentioned my need for routine and consistency. I would say, “I need routine,” and he would hear it as something for me to manage on my own- something I was simply sharing, not an invitation for his leadership and support the way I intended.

When he realized this himself, it shifted something for me.

How many times has this led to frustration on my end?

How often have I assigned meaning instead of seeking clarity?

Just because I put words to a thought doesn’t mean clarity is present. And just because I hear something doesn’t mean I understand it.

Our past experiences and expectations shape the way we interpret what’s being said. And when someone responds differently than we expect, we rarely pause to consider, “Maybe they didn’t understand.“

Instead, we assume they don’t care, they’re ignoring us, or they’re just unwilling.

And that’s where conflict begins.

In marriage especially, we often expect our spouse to understand us- without ever making sure they actually do.

So… who is at fault? No one.

The problem is likely not a lack of care, but a lack of shared understanding.

This is an invitation to pause before assuming the worst.

To ask and clarify instead of reacting from assumption. To recognize that hearing and understanding are not automatically tied together.

And this applies to more than just marriage. It extends to our friendships, our families, our coworkers- even to our children.

The goal is not just to be heard or hear- but to be understood and to understand.