This is a different kind of post. One that is vulnerable and likely to feel messy- like a journal entry or a conversation with a close friend. Since entering this new part of life, motherhood, I have had some recurring thoughts and new realizations.

At the young age of twelve I realized my personal dream was to become a wife and mother- a desire that at times felt distant and even unlikely. I had imagined I’d be married by the age of nineteen with at least one child on the way in my early twenties. Unfortunately, I went about things in the wrong way- and more than once. I engaged in relationships that brought me no closer to these goals and actively allowed them to be pushed further down the timeline. I spent nearly five years in my previous relationship waiting and hoping my boyfriend would change his views on marriage. I prayed that God would allow me to get pregnant so a proposal would come sooner. I was willing to sacrifice my needs, wants, and self-worth. I desperately wanted to force God’s hand.

Looking back, I cringe.

How did I fall so deep into bad decisions?

Why did I ignore the persistent feeling of “this isn’t right”?

When did my self-worth start coming from a person, rather than from God?

Amidst the heartbreak from the ending of my previous relationship, I found solace in the presence of God. I realized that He had never abandoned me, even when I actively participated in the wrong things. He never turned away from me, He was simply saying, “I love you. You are precious to me.”

The judgement and shame I perceived was my own.

Realizing I was already forgiven gave me great relief. It allowed me to rebuild the way I viewed myself.

I got married in September, at the age of 25. And I’m now pregnant with our first child at the age of 26.

(If you had told me at the age of twelve that I’d have to wait fourteen years for my dreams to come true, I probably would have whined about how unfair life is.)

Becoming a mother has opened this door of identity and self-worth even wider. I have found myself exploring my childhood and the various events that have shaped me. There are pieces of me that feel hidden or blocked, either due to survival instincts or trauma responses. I have been questioning my personality and the labels/traits that I have associated with myself.

If I am unable to show up authentically, how can I teach my child that being fully themselves is acceptable?

A fear of being seen is something I have disguised as a preference for most of my life. This is something I have only recently been able to name as a fear. I am afraid of vulnerability with people who could potentially reject me or leave me. With my husband, this is much easier for me to overcome- he has chosen to accept and love me unconditionally.

But when it comes to acquaintances, friends, and even family I find myself putting on a mask. I don’t believe it is people-pleasing, but rather people-appeasing. A response that is directly tied to my childhood.

Growing up with a mother and brother with special needs meant they received the majority of attention- I coped with feelings of invisibility by assuming it was my duty to be unproblematic by keeping to myself and not causing waves.

Over the years this became second nature. To be quiet, avoid being assertive, to manage or at least keep my emotions to myself. That if I was seen or heard it would cause extra stress for those around me. That I would be judged, told I was too much, and asked to step back into the shadows.

At a counseling session with my husband, we were asked, “What do you want for your children?”

One of my responses was: I want them to be able to feel seen!

To which the counselor responded, “The things you want for your children, are the very things you needed yourself as a child.”

It seems like such an obvious revelation, but I had never connected these dots before.

I want my children to have an identity rooted in God. Therefore, I must have my own identity rooted in God. To lead by example.

So, this is the journey I am on. To strip away the lies and false self that Christ has already freed me from! To step into who God says I am, who I am created to be.

I reject the ideology of being “snow covered dung”- born a sinner now covered by the blood.

Christ has not simply covered my sin, He has exposed it, removed it, and replaced it with the original righteousness and holiness that was given to Adam in the beginning.

My current challenge is believing (because right believing leads to right being).